


Night of Wine, Radio, and Surrender, The

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, Episode: s06e16 Drought Conditions, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-22
Updated: 2005-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-31 07:27:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15114608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: What if this was the end?  Actually, this was the end.  Was there blackness beyond?  Toby was 40 when his call finally answered...would his life be over before 50?





	Night of Wine, Radio, and Surrender, The

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**The Night of Wine, Radio, and Surrender**

**by: Montiese**

**Pairing(s):** CJ/Toby  
**Category(s):** Drama  
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** Belongs to Aaron Sorkin, et al.  
**Summary:** What if this was the end? Actually, this was the end. Was there blackness beyond? Toby was 40 when his call finally answered...would his life be over before 50?  
**Spoiler:** Drought Conditions  
 **Feedback:** Please, positive or negative is appreciated.  


It was usually the other way around.  Toby showed up at her apartment and depending on the severity of the situation, he would be in one of the various stages of drunkenness.  He had a key to her place since forever; in fact, they all had keys to each other’s places.  This mostly had to do with Josh always losing keys and having horrible hand-eye coordination with locks if anything more than a six-pack was involved.  The key rested in her jeans pocket but she buzzed anyway.  Now was not the time to invade upon him.

"Yeah."

"Toby, it’s me.  Could you stand some company?"

He did not answer her but she was buzzed in less than 30 seconds later.  On the elevator ride up she wondered what to say to him.  They had known each other 20 years...the lack of words was never a problem.  Toby left the door open for her.  CJ walked in but did not see him.

"I’m in the bedroom.  I’ll be right out."

CJ walked down the hall to his bedroom.  It had been a long time since she’d been in there.  When they decided to break the ‘no sex’ rule it was usually at her place.  Toby said it was because it was closer to work.  That is what Toby said.

"Here is fine." CJ said.

"What?"

"I love this bed." She ran and leaped on it, bouncing around once or twice for effect.

A small smile crept across Toby’s morose features.

"I’ll get the wineglasses." He said.  "Make use of the radio."

"You know I will."

Toby walked slowly into the kitchen, wondering what would happen tonight.  Would they get drunk and forget they worked together?  It had been a while, both attempted to see other people.  Then Leo nearly died and CJ got a promotion that she hardly wanted.  It was hard to watch her struggle and not put his arms around her to shield her from harm.  It was not that he didn’t believe she could handle the rigors of the job.  Toby felt she shouldn’t have to.  He believed enough in Sam to be sure that if he died Sam could take over.  Shouldn’t Leo have given it to Josh?  Right now, the President only wanted Leo anyway, and he could hardly stop himself from saying so.

"Oh Tobus, bring the corkscrew." She called from the bedroom.

Toby was jarred back to reality.  He grabbed glasses from the counter and the corkscrew from the drawer.  In the bedroom CJ was barefoot.  She also took off her blouse, wearing only her camisole.  Dionne Warwick played on the radio as Toby opened the wine... _I’ll Never Love This Way Again_.  

"Did I frighten you earlier?" he asked, handing her a glass of Pinot Grigio.  

"No.  Yes.  A little of both."

"How’s that?" Toby asked with a small grin.

"Crying in front of me is not a problem.  I need you to tell me what happened with you and Josh.  You scared the hell out of Margaret; you know she is with child."

"I’m not talking about that right now.  I’ve been sleeping with Marcella Rafferty."

"I know."  CJ sipped her wine; it was good.

Toby leaned back on the mound of pillows CJ made for him.  He crossed his legs but found it difficult to look at her.  He instead focused on his wine.  CJ tilted his chin up, running her fingers across the deep paper cut under his eye.

"How did you know?" he asked.

"I don’t know; I just did.  It is a thing we have and there’s nothing you can do about it."

"Sort of like how I know that for the past eight years you’ve been sleeping with Leo."

He turned to look at her and CJ’s face went grey.  Neither one of them spoke for what felt like an eternity.

"On and off for eight years." Toby said.

"Mostly off." CJ replied.

"That’s not entirely true.  Mostly on." Toby countered.

"Yeah, I guess.  God Toby, why didn’t you say something to me?"

"You are a grown woman and I only mess around in your personal life for sport, remember?  Obviously no one else knows or it would have spread around by now."

CJ shook her head.  She hoped no one else knew, but then again Toby did.  Not that it was anything to be ashamed about.  Over the past eight years she had done an excellent job of juggling her job and conducting affairs with two amazing, yet radically different, men.

"Can we please get back to you and the Senator?" CJ asked.

"I liked her fire.  She believes in things and champions her causes.  I think she could go far if she reins it in a bit."

"Are you two still...?"

"No.  She ended it tonight, whatever it was.  She asked me how David died CJ, and I told her cancer."

CJ nodded, understanding completely.  Toby couldn’t tell her anything about himself that revealed too much.  There was no point in conducting a piece of relationship.

"That is too painful to talk about Toby." CJ said.  "Just because you couldn’t tell her doesn’t mean it couldn’t work."

"No.  It won't work because I am a glutton for punishment...I think I have only ever loved one woman."

CJ sipped her wine.  James Taylor replaced Dionne Warwick and CJ changed the station.  She and Leo listened to a lot of James Taylor; he didn’t need to be here with them, not tonight.

"I am always here Toby, if you need or want to talk."

"When did it get so hard?  When did getting up in the morning become a struggle?  I look at that empty pillow beside me at night and I want to scream.  There are two beautiful children across town who I don’t know enough about."

"Don’t you dare start questioning your ability as a father.  Huck and Molly are the two luckiest kids on the planet.  You are just feeling sorry for yourself."

CJ held out her glass; Toby refilled it.

"Sometimes I think Andi..."

"No." CJ’s tone was sharp.  "The past year and a half has been nothing short of agony for us.  You are not the only one swimming upstream darling.  I don’t think it is going to get any easier; we just have to hold tight to one another."

"Like we always do." Toby replied.

"Yeah.  As untrue as it sounds we are going to be alright.  I didn’t want to make this night a downer...especially after the day you’ve had."

"Andi said I was sad before this past year and a half." He said.

"Shut up.  If you don’t stop talking like that I am going to slap you across the mouth Toby."

She would do it too; she’d done it before.

"Andi has no idea who you are if she thinks that.  How could she have ever read your words and believe that?  Has she ever seen a Woody Allen film or a Yankee game with you?  Does she bait you in political and religious discussion to watch your passion boil to the surface?  Has she ever wrapped her arms around you and lost herself in your warmth?  Has she seen your sheer pleasure at something as simple as a piece of pie?  Does she listen when you talk to your children?  She’s a damn idiot Toby and that is the end of the story.  So stop it now."

Toby looked at her.  CJ looked on the verge of tears but she held it together like the pro that she was.  He grasped her hand, holding it tight against his heart.  The thump of Toby’s heart never ceased to calm and amaze her.

"Are you in love with Leo?" it was the question he always wanted to ask her.

"I love him, but no, I don’t think I’m in love with him.  At least I don’t believe..."

CJ stopped talking abruptly.  How come it was something she never thought about until Toby asked her?  She finished the rest of her wine.  She could never have all of Leo McGarry, even if he was willing to give her his heart.  They had settled into a wonderful relationship, and it was not just about the sex.  The parts of him she couldn’t reach, they haunted CJ.  She needed a man to bare his soul to her...his whole self.  Leo could not.  It was not his fault, but still, he could not.  

"I don’t know Toby." She said.

He did not expect her to be unsure.

"Are you two still...?"

"When did this conversation turn from you to me?" she asked, cutting  him off.

"I thought it was about the two of us.  I mean, the both of us."

"I know what you mean.  Leo and I still spend time together...Leo and I have had sex recently.  We also had dinner a few nights ago.  We’re great friends Toby."

All of that was true, and it was something CJ was sure enough about to say aloud.  Toby refilled both glasses.

"Over the past eight years the three of us have engaged in multiple dates, relationships, and one night stands." She said.

"You’ve had one night stands?" Toby asked.

"Marco, at my reunion." CJ replied.

"That doesn’t count.  You slept with him before.  Anyway, he lives on another continent."

CJ laughed and so did Toby.  He squeezed her hand, still holding it in his own.

"Are you going to hire Cliff Calley?"

"Yeah.  He will do a great job, despite how I may personally feel about him.  Leo and the President like him and since I still feel like the girl with no prom date I am going to defer to them."

"I hate that you feel like that." Toby said.

"Double ditto for me Toby."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

CJ leaned her head on his shoulder.  Toby absently stroked her face.

"Will you stay?" he whispered.

"Yeah.  You didn’t use my toothbrush to clean the toilet after one of our last fights did you?"

"No.  You still have razors here too.  And I think 3 suits."

"That’s too domestic Tobus.  Funny, I have no pajamas."

"That is funny.  I’ll buy you some."

"Flannel?" she asked.

"Whatever you want." Toby sighed deeply.

He finished his wine, thinking he should have never brought up CJ’s affair with Leo.  Now he could not shake the image of her surrendering to Leo as she surrendered to him.

"What are you thinking?" she asked.  "You just got tense."

"No, I’m OK."

"Toby..."

"Deal with the fact that I am never going to tell you what I was just thinking." He said.

"You just did."

Toby nodded.

"Please don’t answer."

"I have no intention.  Take this, I’m done."

She handed him the empty wineglass.  Toby put them both on the nightstand beside the bottle.  Breathe played on the radio... _All This I Should've Known_.

"Dance with me Toby."

He climbed off the bed, pulling her up and into his arms.  His hand rested on the small of CJ’s back, the other wrapped in hers.  They were cheek to cheek; Toby breathing softly in her ear.

_If only I try a little harder_

_To reach this goal; to reach your soul_

_If only I’d been a little closer_

_If only we pulled together_

_I try to leave behind this sense of wasted time_

_So much promise we denied_

_If only I’d let go of my pride_

_Cast my doubts and fear aside_

_All this I should have known_

_Hold me one more time_

_Hold me while we dance together_

_Hold me now our love has gone_

_We tried to talk to no avail we knew inside that this had failed_

_With you, I could never say what lay within my heart_

_With you, there was always something keeping us apart_

_With you, I was never really sure._

Toby pulled her tighter to him.  CJ felt his body tremble and knew he was crying again.  He would not let her see this time.  She slid her hand up from his shoulders to caress his neck and the back of his head.

"This song is not about us." She whispered in his ear.  "You're not sad; you're so beautiful."

He nodded, his whiskers tickling her face.  He gripped her hand tighter as they swayed in the dimly lit room.  CJ grinded her pelvis against his...Toby sighed softly.

"I’ve got you Toby, fall if you need to."

Toby clung to her, the last tree before he was blown away into darkness.  CJ stroked the hair on the back of his neck.  _Landslide_ played now but they still danced.

"Oh CJ." He sighed.

"Don’t let go until you're ready."

"I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready."

"Then don’t let go."

Toby had just experienced the worst week of his life.  That was impressive since there had been plenty of dark times.  Many would describe him as dark and temperamental but he wasn’t quite, at east he didn’t feel that way.  He was just Toby, never really getting picked for the team.  A genius, a flawed man, constantly yearning to reach the pinnacle while fearing nothing was beyond it.  Will told him that he was old, on his way out, or something like that, and it haunted him ever since.  What if this was the end?  Actually, this was the end.  Was there blackness beyond?  Toby was 40 when his call was finally answered...would his life be over before 50.

CJ pulled away from him.  She wiped the tears from his face and began to undress him.  The buttons on his dress shirt, the tee shirt, unbuttoning and unzipping his slacks.  Everything fell at his feet.  Then she took off the boxer shorts.  Feather light fingertips touched his body and Toby closed his eyes.  He undressed her too.  The camisole, the jeans; the bra and panties last.  They were baring it all to each other, their bodies and souls.  CJ led him over to the bed, pulling the covers down and pulling him in.

"I love you." He said as she reached over to turn out the lamp.

The room was completely dark...Toby closed the shades when he came home.

"I love you too."

He turned his body to hers, kissing her lips softly.  The kisses became more passionate, lips parting and tongues dancing.  CJ moaned against his mouth.  Toby pulled her hard to him; he loved the feeling of her breasts on his chest.  CJ could barely breathe and when he released her, she gasped.

"Are you alright?" he touched her cheek.

She nodded, dipping her chin to kiss him again.  Toby slid his hand down the side of her body, cupping her buttocks.  She moved her legs apart to welcome his pulsing erection.  She wrapped her leg around him.  Toby pushed her onto her back, resting his body between her thighs.  He thrust inside of her and CJ pressed her head into the pillows.

"Oh God."

She reached down to take hold of his hips, trying to control his movement.  That was usually futile with Toby...his intensity never failed to capture them both.  He muttered something incoherent as he moved inside of her.  CJ lifted her hips to push him farther.

"CJ, CJ, Claudia!"

She ran her hand up his chest.  Arching her back, CJ felt her body quiver; it was almost there.

"Don’t stop Toby, please, never stop."

He was in that zone now, where all he knew was her and him.  He reached under CJ, pressing on the small of her back with the palm of his hand.  CJ came in a rush, practically screaming.  Toby was right behind her, telling her he loved her with his release.  His body was heavy on top of hers but the weight never ceased to be a comfort.  CJ loved the feel of skin on skin.  She did not think there was anything more intimate and pleasing.  That was why she slid her body from under Marco’s after he came...and Tad Whitney was always pushed to the other side of the bed.

"Don’t move." She whispered, when she felt his body shift.

"I’m not...my foot fell asleep.  I am too heavy to be on top of you for too long."

CJ chuckled at his foot falling asleep.

"You're not." She said.  "Shut up."

Still, after a few more minutes Toby lifted himself up and onto the bed.  He took CJ into his arms; she kissed his neck.

"Do you feel better?" she asked, not sure if the question was viable.

"I always do after that.  We should do that everyday."

"What am I, your concubine?" she joked.

"Now that might be fun...you know, get one of those little outfits."

CJ slapped his chest and they both laughed.

"We’ll be back in hell tomorrow." Toby said.

"That’s why we’re not going to talk about it.  I must be losing my touch.  I used to be able to keep your endorphins up for 2 to 3 days." She said.

"I need you to up the dosage of my medicine Dr. Cregg."

That made her smile.  It had been a long time since they lay in bed and joked.  Lately, if the sex wasn’t healing sex it was rough and demanding.  It wore her out almost as much as the White House.

"I am sorry that I asked you all of those questions about Leo earlier.  It was both inappropriate and something I didn’t want to know the answer to anyway."

"Yeah, it’s OK.  Leo and I are Leo and I.  That’s all I can say about that."

"I am glad you are here tonight." He kissed her forehead.

"I don’t want to be anywhere else."

CJ stroked his chest, sliding her hand under the covers.

"I love you CJ."

She slid her body down after her hand; pleasuring him with her mouth.  As he moaned her name and grabbed the sheets Toby decided that he wanted this for always.  He wanted her mouth; he wanted her smile.  He wanted her warmth, her intelligence, and her radiance.  He wanted someone who knew him, really knew him, and could bring him back from the brink with a few words or a touch of the hand.  He wanted to be able to let go of his feelings sometimes, the good and the bad, and never be judged.  But at the end of the day he really wanted that mouth to be his.

CJ snaked her body up his, wrapping around him like a security blanket.

"I owe you for that." He said.

"If you owed me for every time I put your cock in my mouth Toby Ziegler I would be trapped with your face between my legs until Arbor Day."

That sent him into a laughing fit.  It felt like something he hadn’t done in years; it probably was.  Toby laughed so hard it made his stomach hurt.  CJ joined right in with him; when he let his laugh go it was always contagious.

"Something is on your mind." She said when they were done.

"Everything is on my mind.  We have to get some sleep."

"This is the first time in forever that a cell phone has not broken in on our time."

"Don’t jinx it." Toby replied, rubbing her back.  "Go to sleep."

"OK." CJ relaxed her body against his.  "You’ll hold me."

"I'm never letting you go again." He said with all seriousness.

CJ kissed his lips.

"Goodnight Toby.  I love you too."


End file.
